The Fart Story… Who Mess???
I looked around me as the stress on my bowels intensified and the sweat falling quickly from my open sweat pores turned into a mini shower splashing those who were sitted right in front of me. They turned once or twice to look at me but seeing the agony on my face they faced their fronts without any single word. I had sat down in church that fateful morning watching the service with keen interest when it hit me.
At first I thought I wanted to fart, so I held onto the unwelcomed gas and kept look at the pulpit with rapt attention jotting down main points, so the gas deflated back into my system making me breath again with ease. I adjusted my buttocks and sat firmly on the opening of the gas chamber, any mistake here could result to multiple inter-lulu in motion which I cannot be deemed responsible for. Afterall, I had made up my mind to skip service that day. Mama had fed me the previous night with beans, baked beans to be precise and throughout the night my stomach had been upset, the gas building up but none coming out. I had woken up that morning with my stomach as round as a ball and making sound of a skin drum wen tapped on it gently.
”dum dum dum”.
I had quickly run to the toilet after my fifth brother came out, I even chanced my twin sister who is the elder of the two. Bathing on sundays occurs according to age grade and each of my brothers makes it a routine to debowel their systems before taking their bath proper.
I quickly pulled my trouser and sat on the toilet counting 1 – 50 and then using force to push the unwanted product from my system. Each effort was met with a brick wall. The poo was not forthcoming. I pushed and pushed and finally gave up when the pounding on the door intensified.
”Attai, na born you dey born abi you wan full suckaway with poo”
Chei, I jumped into the bath and quickly rushed my bath and found myself battling with the overdued poo and lots of fart right in the middle of a sermon. The first attempt to stop it had been a successful one. I thought all was over until it came back with a force stronger than the tsunami that no effort could send it back. I just sat there and compressed my anus and pressd it firmly to the plastic chair.
Having trapped the gas on the plastic chair, I made the great attempt of pushing the air back into my system but it was proving stubborn.
I was becoming wet under my armpit, the neck of my shirt too was soaking and my hand shaky as I held the pen to the paper not jotting anything, I was fighting a battle.
”Guy, na poo get you for inside church o, see falling of hands abeg, your yelow fineboy skin no go help you today”
My mind whispered into my ear. I looked round to see if it was someone from behind me that had said it but discovered the faces behind me looking with rapt attention at the pulpit. A soft laugh followed by a rumbling sound in my stomach, loud enough for people to hear and strong enough to make me vibrate on my seat ocurd. I presd my buttocks the more down to the chair.
Raising my head, I saw eyes looking at me but ignored them and concentrated on not letting the fart out.
”Resist the devil and he will flee from thee”
The pastor seemed to be saying. I quickly braced myself and whispered a short prayer:
”I bind you spirit of fart and unwelcomed poo”
But instead of it to flee, it intensified. I paused and looked round again and this time, I made to get up, squeezing the opening of my anus tight, mistake could be deadly in this case.
”Bros, you dey block me”
A voice said from behind me. Eh, block wetin? I sat down dejectedly and waited for my chance to bolt. The distance between my position of sitting and the closest door was so far that I will not make it 5 meters before offloading the gas in the chamber.
”If you want to be born again, raise your hand up, bless you, stand up let me pray for you”
I did not wait for his statement to finish dropping before jumping straight up. Applause rang out for my seeming readiness to become born again.
”Come forward let me pray with you”
I was the first to reach the front.
”You see that pastor over there”
Which pastor again eh?
”Go with him, he has more word to share with you”
I doubled up and ran as fast as my joined legs plus tight anus could carry me. I made it first and as soon as the man moved towards the door, I rushed pass his and made it to the door.
Just as I opened my leg to cross through the door and hasten my steps, all hell was let losed. The sound, both in gun style and silent gases came forth with anger and all my effort to stop it proved abortive.
I ran and the sound followed me, I could feel little wet lumps in my trouser and as I turned back, I saw people falling down under the influence. I waited not.
And did I ever go back to hear the rest of the story??
My brothers came back home that day bruised and tattered.
A stampede had occured to escape the gas from my gas chamber.