I fvck*d her
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July 10, 2018 at 3:15 pm #1234761
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I f----d her.
“”Ushhhhhhhh… Ashhhhh”…. Take it easy, you are hurting
She sang into my ears.
What I heard was:
“Do it faster, I need it faster… Harder!!!”
Me just stepped on the pedal and pumped away. I was
hitting her deeply, paying with her inner cacus. The
sensation I was receiving was really worth all the suffering
I had gone through just to get her.
“I will sue you for Molesting me o”
She said breathlessly as I turned her round and began the
canine style on her. Sue who? Me? She never jam. I would
be the first to sue her. I know you guys might think I am
crazy, but I am not. Oya, let me rewind it so you will know
why I would want to sue her.
I had met her in an internet cafe. I was already done
browsing but the time still remained. Internet cafe these
days no longer install that software that automatically
shuts you down when your time is over. It was really that
I lifted my head to look at the cafe attendant, just to
determine his position. He was seated concentrating. Lol,
my mind went back to when I was a cafe attendant. All
my spare time were used in watching por’n online. I
believed that was the exact thing he was doing.
“How much is 30 minutes”
I heard a lovely voice said. I looked up again to behold
the loveliest face I had ever seen. She was not fat and
was also not on the slim side. Just my exact kind of
woman. I was perplexed. Now, I wanted to approach her
but my liver had ran away from my body. It was just me, I
and my world.
She had settled down after purchasing an hour of
browsing time. I was watching her. The first place she
entered was facebook. I was excited. I peeped and saw
her name, searched for her immediately and added her.
She received me almost immediately. I sent her a
“Hi, can I have your number please?”
Bleep it. I was trying to put words together in my head
“Oga, you time don finish o.”
Chineke. No problem. I was happy I had established
contact. What remains is to go through her ABOUT and
and find out if her number is there.
I got home and could not sleep. I could not even eat and I
had sweat pouring all over me. Wait, no mind that
statement there, I am only trying to sound poetic. I ate all
I wanted, had a perfect dream and was so relaxed my
sweat glands began protesting.
All through, I was busy thinking about this girl. Her
beautiful features. Her smile, don’t ask me how I got to
know how her smile looks. Owk, I will tell you. When I
requested for her number, she looked at me and smiled.
Which green light green pass wetin she gimme abeg?
I got to the office on Monday morning and quickly went to
the history of our chats. Like say we even chat many self.
I clicked on her name and whoosaa, her page flew open. I
did the first thing. Scroll through her pictures. They were
all stuning and I was busy clapping in my mind. I had
“Attai, why are you smiling like a fish na?”
My colleague asked me. I looked at him. He was always
this pastor type and me was always thinking and feeling
that he is a virgin. Lol, a man being a virgin.
“O boy, na one babe wey I hammer o. Her own don finish”
I replied him.
“See, Attai, you need to change. Following women is not
good. You have a bright future ahead of you.”
“See this man. Tell me say you no fuucckk pass me for
your past life na”
I asked him.
He just shook his head and wanted to walk away. I
stopped him with my speech.
“If na Jesus now, him no go give up on me like you just
do o. Your hell fire go so hot pass my own because I go
lay allegations for your head on judgment day wella”
I said. He shook his head the more, like he was planning
to clear it.
“Attai, may God forgive you”
And in the catholic fashion, I replied..
“And also you”.
Now that is bad. I kept looking at the pictures, imagining
her lying on the bed Unclad. Her would her K---y-Cat look
like? Kai, I was already fuucckking her before I got my
hands on her. My dicckk from all those thoughts had
become as hard as iron and I ws sweating under the AC.
See me o. Me wey no sweat before, na me wan begin
sweat now, no lele sha.
“Attai, madam dey call you”
Me? Yesu, I don enter. How I wan carry go face that
woman now. See as my pole wire just tanda dey salute
my tight plain trouser. No ask me o, I dey like make my
trousers dey hug me sometimes. Sha, the girls for my
office don teach me lesson. Anytime them see me, na to
dey look my preek.
“Ma, you sent for me”
I spoke in my oyibo-film induced English. Who would not
want to impress an American-trained professional? Her
English self and the way she dey carry talk am make me
know say Ishilove and Princesa still dey kindergarten for
Use of English.
“Yes I did”
Imagine say na Queen Elizabeth dey yan this one. You
know how Englishmen dey speak their English na. That
kind Harry Potter them. Well, Naija women wey school for
America dey speak Britannica, me wey school for Kano
and don watch all the American gangster movies must
speak like them na.
TBC2+July 10, 2018 at 4:10 pm #1234773
July 10, 2018 at 5:05 pm #1234789
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F--k em all1+July 10, 2018 at 8:03 pm #1234820
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korect guy0July 10, 2018 at 9:37 pm #1234869
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seated0July 10, 2018 at 9:50 pm #1234880
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carry go0July 11, 2018 at 6:44 am #1234801
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I don c dun gidigba de wait for de next chapter “onyisi”1+July 11, 2018 at 9:54 am #1235000
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Reply To: I fvck*d her
She come dey look me for face, na small small her eyes
wan go where my dicckk just pam for inside where the
dicckk dey frustrate dey stretch imself. I just carry style do
like say I wan fold my hands for front make she talk wetin
she wan talk make I go continue my work. Na so I adjust
my face like say I be the most serious person for this
world. My mind walai, dey recite psalms and hymns make
the preek go down but for where?
“I want you to check my mailbox, there is an an
attachment there. Print it for me.”
Na so I nod head waka comot from her office o. I no wan
hear say person poo come ask me make I smell am. I
know my pidgin English is really difficult to comprehend
but how will I put it for you guys to understand my
I went back to my table, opened yahoomail and logged in
Madam’s account. It was filled with more than a million
emails. Most of which were sent by scammers. I wonder
why them crazy scammers would want to scam someone
who is a lady and still use,
“I am Miss Trisha P. I lost my father in the war in senegal
and he left 200 Billion Dollars for me”
Seriously, it is foolish to scam someone with such a huge
amount of money. I can’t fall for such scamming. Instead
I will fall for far lesser amount.
If you use facebook well, you will understand this sound. I
always have my earpiece on my ears whenever I’m in front
of the system. This is to alert me whenever there is a
message. I jumped madam’s task and browsed facebook.
“New Message from Perpetual”
Was boldly displayed on the tab above. Hmmmm… Great.
I quickly clicked in order to see the message.
The message read. I was confused o. Is it that this babe
has fallen for me? Hmm… I am not priding myself as
handsome o, but I have one weapon. Being fair. You know,
your colour can break barriers. Yeah, put 6 people and let
one be fair among them. You will notice the fair person
first. Such was it o. I chose only dark guys as friends so
babes will always see me. Kapish?
I did not wait for her to reply, I quickly composed this and
“I dreamed that power was given to me. I was meant to
do something with it but with all the power something still
I stopped there.
“Are you a poet?”
She asked me. Bingo!!! Yellow fineboy and also a poet,
you see combination? I only hid the being a Writer aspect
“I won’t say yes but looking at your pictures inspire me. I
could become the president of Nigeria by just meditating
on your pictures”
“Haaaaaaa… You are flattering me oo”
“Me? No o. I am saying the truth as was just revealed to
me by an angel just now. He said you left them in heaven
and he has been sent to monitor you. Guess what?”
“….Wat (with a squeezed faced emoticon)
“He said I am the right person for you”
I typed back. Next thing I saw on the screen was…
Yeah… Una know the reaction. I was shocked and for
once, regretted being a poet. If only I had known
I just dey look blankly at my screen. What happened?
What did I say wrong? Well, I shrugged and went back to
checking Madam’s mailbox. I printed what she wanted
and took it to her. She smiled, collected it and told me to
be careful with women. Since she was the superior and na
Madam-Staff relationship, I just muttered OK and walked
back to my table.
My day was as spoilt as rotten egg, the computer self
was looking at me with a scowl on its face. Na small, I
for break am but I no get anger problem like Sexkillz, so I
just maintain. I was in that state when my phone started
ringing. I looked at the screen and discovered it was a
new number. I had never seen it before. Ok, let me break
it down for you guys.
NPA, Nigeria Players Association, back me up on this. I
have multiple girls that gives me toto when ever I am
conjigated. Now, calls come in all the time and I have to
be on the safer side. How do I achieve this? I don’t save
their numbers with names. All I do is look hard at the
digits and the combination gets into my brain. Me I sabi
cram o but I no too good for maths. Another thing, I call
everybody baby. Even if I am speaking to my sister on the
phone, the moment I pick it up, I say…
“Baby, what’s up?”
So the babes just get used to it.
“Hello, Attai on the line”
I do this most time to avoid saying hello and passing
through interrogations o.
“Hy, it’s me”
Celine Dion na learner where this voice dey o. I opened
my mouth but not a sound came out. I was trying to
process the musical notes I had just heard into words.
“Sorry please. Who?”
I was fuuccking polite. Who knows, it could be Agbani
Now I was more stunned than any stunned person. My
brain went into hyper-drive, I needed ideas.
I cleared my throat.
“Your voice sounds different”
I said into my mouth-piece.
“Yeah, I had cough that day”
Kai… Now I gats play my ball well.
“If the voice I heard that day had cough, this is just
recovering from cough, what happens when you recover
She laughed silently. That blew my breath away.
“You are funny and I like you.”
Una know the rest na…. To BE CONTINUED0
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